starve the dog

Now before all you dog lovers out there are ready to lynch me, hear me out...

I took a trip to Va to visit Lou and Tab a couple of weeks ago (mentioned in an earlier post). While I was gone, Jesus and I had some sweet talks about life. Amidst all our put togetherness we emulate in our society, there always drifts a current beneath the surface in each one of us. It's the darker less glamourous side of us that we'd rather not admit exists, and yet the irony is that we're all so common in our struggles that we might actually surprise each other.

While I'm aware that my own parents might be reading this blog, I'm still going to venture out and talk about lust. It's something that we all struggle with, whether it be sexual, pining after things or possessions, or wanting something or someone you are not intended to have. It has ruined many men, women, nations, relationships, lives, and the like. And yet, we still have a love/hate relationship with the thing and let it seed deeply into our selves and our lives.

I was recently awakened to the conviction that the germation of this lustful seed will actually be prohibitory and stunting in my ability to truly enjoy a healthy relationship with a boy of my liking and choosing. Instead of living in joy, freedom, and peace simply being with him, I would find myself enduring an internal spiritual battle of flesh-vs-spirit.

Paul, in Galatians 6: 16-17 talks about it like this...

"So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions."

Six summers ago I had to priviledge of leading two large groups of teens to Mexico for a week each. Both amazing, life changing trips for them and me; I'll never forget what my friend Kevin shared one evening atop a hill in Monterrey, Mexico. He said that these two parts of you fighting are like two dogs being trained for a dog fight. Whichever one you feed, you nuture, you train, you attend to, that's the dog that's gonna win. If you ignore, neglect, and starve one of the dogs, for certain, that one will lose. Miserably. Am I feeding the dog of my Spirit or the dog of my flesh?

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." vs 24

I need to starve the dog of my flesh.

Why? Because "anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. And the Spirit will not guide your lives." vs 16 & 21

it's about time!

So what do you get after going to to 3 years of community college while working and trying to figure out what to do with your life?? well... a transcript with a butt load of classes!

Luckily for me, those classes landed me a spot in Montgomery County CC's Nursing Program, one of the top nursing schools in the area. Very competitive. Very challenging. Very exciting.

A while ago I mentioned that Nursing was in fact my plan B, that my heart beats truly for ministry, loving people, and the arts. I can honestly say that this fact still rings true in my heart, but that God in His grace gives us the love and desires for the things he originally fit us for and calls us to do. Therefore, I'm pretty stoked to be a nurse!

I was giddy at orientation last Friday, and as long as my criminal record and drug check come out clear (cross the fingers!!!), I should be flyin in clear skies.

So cheers to scrubs, hemostats, stethoscopes, meds, patients, hospitals, labs, needles!, and a chance to make a difference in this world!

the real family

i'm not sure if its because i was raised in america, or because i was indoctrinated by television, or because all i seemed to find around me at times were the models of americana. mom. dad. 2.5 kids. dog. 2 cars. etc. i'm sure that makes up a great population of the world. our family comes close to it. mom. dad. 3 kids. two cats.

but as our lenses shift from looking at our lives through modernized, western-civilized eyes, to the questionable, yet clearer scope of celestial kingdom eyes, we're given the chance to see things differently. we find ourselves in the midst of such a broken world where people are ripping the honors given to them, rejecting the gifts bestowed to them, and caving in to demon fears that taunt and paralyze them. unfortunately this leads to broken songs, ruined masterpieces, and spoiled desserts that could've sounded so sweet, entranced the eye, or tantalized the taste buds. these spoils come in the form of broken relationships and broken families. fatherless children. but also the potential for something greater to write new songs, create new masterpieces, and fresh desserts.

this past weekend i spent time in Va with some of the coolest people on the planet. seriously. they've known me since i was 18, truly known me, and that's a big deal. they're my tribe. my family. my fellow journeyers. and i'm so blessed to know them. what i love the most about them is that they comprise of beautiful pieces from an interrupted song, placed lovingly together in a new one- and it rocks! Lou was raised by his grandparents in Mississippi when his parents were in no form to do so. Nok was orphaned for 5 years before God united him with his true family, an ocean away. And with Tabitha melodically placed, a new song was written in light of God's dream of what a family is. is family comprised of blood or a common love? racial lines or basic humanity? social status or kindness in the eyes?

yay for a God who makes beauty from ashes and a triple layer chocolate decadent cake from a few chocolate chips. and yay to the families who can enjoy the cake, a bite at a time.

school bus and trash trucks

So like every other American, this morning I found myself carried away in the worries and cares of a day unspent and enroute to my duties. Naturally, I left my house later than I had wanted, traffic was heavier than I expected, and I realized that I left my notes at home, that I needed to study, for a test I was taking in an hour. And then it happened.

Ten car back up. why? because of a large trash truck littered with men scrambling around it. perfect. to be expected, sure. but then a school zone... and lovely! stuck behind a schoolbus!

I'm sure you or someone you know has been in my situation. Where you start getting frustrated and feeling animosity for people you dont know, who are simply doing their job, b/c it conflicts with where you're going and when u want to get there.

I think it hit me when I was trackin behind the yellow roller itself. The continuation. the second verse. the echo. the call. to stop. simplify. why am in such a hurry? stop. enjoy this moment. its a gift. be patient. "but you dont know what i have to hurry to get to." it whispers, 'i do. it will still be there. but i have given you this moment. relax, and be still with me.'

so often i look ahead at the next step, the next ambition, the next level. and everytime i'm told to stop and sit down, i grow impatient, looking for an alternative. perfect example: when i was following the bus and being stirred in my heart with a sweet message, i was simultaneously looking down streets and alley ways to try and get around and away from this stupid bus! even when i knew the road i was suppose to be on, i was selfishly still looking around for an alternative. how fickle we creatures are.

i think God sends buses and trash trucks into our lives to stop us. on purpose. without apology. because we need it. we need the reminder to stop. to look at Him. to look around, at each other. to realize that life is not about us or our lives or our agendas. we need to stop and reflect, be thankful, and give back. love. we won't if we're too busy, too life-conjested, and too stuck looking at ourselves in the mirror.

thank God for school buses and trash trucks.

a new thought

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. ~Hans Hofmann, Introduction to the Bootstrap, 1993

Sometimes in life, we're hit with simple messages that keep standing out to us; as if God means to put a red "will dissolve when u finally get it" stamp on our foreheads and back of our hands. In the past year my stamp is beginning to slightly fade so that the lower cased, italicized "simplify" is finally starting to sink in.

I was out to breakfast with an awesome friend this morning. We planned to meet at her house, and as I awkwardly peeked into her window to see if I had the right house, I concluded that her and her hubby were 1. either really clean or 2. I had the wrong house b/c it looked abandoned :) Actually, it was really clean and the epitame of what a house with beautifully simple ensemble can have.

Esther and I have had talks at nauseum about simplifying life. Cleaning and purging. Stopping and sitting. Saying no and relaxing. She's been such an inspiration to me. Ens too. I thank God so much for them. My over analytical mind cannot understand such simple concepts. My addiction to stress and "doing" has been assaulted by this imposter of simplicity, and its beautifully freeing. Even walking around grocery stores packed with uber-choices, viewing multitudes of excercise techniques, and falling victim to overstimulation in our consumer-driven culture, my spirit has been drawn to let everything fall and hold the simple, the basic, the necessary, and find rest leaving everything else behind. simply let it fall.

hm.

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds... "

-Albert Einstein

go and sin no more...

my heart is wrestling with this phrase this morning...

in the story of John 8:1-11, Jesus dispels a group of religious leaders when they bring a woman caught in the act of adultery before him. we looked at this story as a church. there are so many perspectives we can glean from; the woman, the pharisees, the crowd, Jesus. this woman was caught in the midst of her sin. in the middle of her wrong doing, she was exposed for her sin against God, not her sin against any man or person.

i have many friends who live with their boyfriends. who have sex with their boyfriends. they commit sin everyday because they're not married and under Biblical Law, they are committing sexual sin. yet, in my own life, i've never once had sex and, granted, have struggled with this desire on my heart for over 10 years. in a moment of honesty, i confess that i have given into deep desires and lust over various guys over the years. sometimes its easy to not give in, and other times its debilitating not to. but heres the part that's hard to swallow... my lusting after each of them has placed me in bed with each of them, in God's eyes (Matt 5:28). in that sense, i might as well have slept with them physically. (man, now u tell me! jk) its all the same. Since my sin-offense is to God and no one else, i not only am i as literally guilty as all of my friends for all of the sin, but WORSE. i know (not just knowledge, but in conviction and revelation of the true and living God) the truth, and still i choose my sin. ouch.

so before the world goes on judging them, including myself, my God, how much worse off am i over them!

my heart breaks at my sin and my seeming inability to stop it. at times like today, i feel powerless and wrestle with phrases like "go and sin no more." can jesus really expect us to sin no more? isnt that impossible? what did he mean by that?

what happens after the story? i believe Jesus knew the woman and in turn, forgave her. what was the rest of her life like? how did she struggle? did she really sin no more? how did Jesus, God, approach her later?

if Jesus is the lamb sacrifice of all the world, can he really forgive all our sin, even those of us who know the truth and rebel against it? the obvious, biblical, answer is yes, but with your guilt glaring you in the face, its impossible to understand why...