9 days left!

Amidst all the diversity of opinions and possible outcomes of our country, its moments like these that me glad to be a part of this country! enjoy!

perspective

how easy is it to let an entire season go by without stopping for a minute, to pick up and hold one leaf, take a deep breath of cool, crisp air that swirls in your lungs, or notice that the bugs that used to swarm you in the sunny summer months are no longer to be found? have you seen the leaves i mean? the ones that have the green in the middle, but red, orange, and yellow around the tips? spotted with brown and so beautifully natural? holes cut in them from every kind of bug. i love it. i love fall.

i love the craziness. when i sit in class and learn about deep vein thrombsis, i'm facinated. i'm fascinated by the human body. by all the little capillaries and the large arteries that pump blood through our body every second of every minute of every day. i'm amazed at how our kidneys work. that my body has its own self-cleaning system. that if a few things are off keel, how detrimental it could be for me. possibly for the rest of my life. i'm amazed at how fragile life is. i'm amazed at how many people dont care and abuse their bodies thru passivity. i love learning about such things and hunger to study more. i love my coffee in the middle of seminar as i wade through an ocean of medical jargon, concepts, and realizations.

i love the country that i live in. i love that i have a valid voice as a single young woman. i love that i have the freedom to dream up my future. i love that i know Jesus Christ. i love that i have a car, with insurance, and money for gas, even if the heater takes a while to kick in. i love that i live with one of my best friends, and not only do we respect each other, we enjoy each other. i'm thankful that i've been given so much. an education. job security. a loving family. all these things are a luxury in this world. i am very rich indeed, even though i have very little money.

theres something amazing about perspective. it can take you from your crabbiest, angriest, selfish, and ungrateful mood, through the avenue of thankfulness, and completely bring you to a place of humility, gratefulness, generosity, graciousness, kindness and joy. its the way of Jesus.

tonight some friends and i met to talk about life and God. we talked about many things including this topic of perspective. it amazed me how a person can be single for so many years, craving to have sexual intimacy with another person, and then after they're wed, they realize its not what they thought it would be. disappoinment. struggle. or even better, for the one who is still currently single with the desire for physical intimacy but knows its not going to be as good as he or she dreams. a different perspective follows suite. one that does not rely so heavily on physical measurements, but on character and soul elements. those things that will last forever.

i commented about desiring to simplify my life. even to the possibility of living in a mobile home if i never get married (although i certainly hope i do). but think about it. assuming the cost is low enough to actually make it worth it, imagine all the money you could use to invest and pour into something else that is changing lives, and impacting eternity. what would you sacrifice? reputation. pride perhaps. the "high life." maybe even in today's economy it wouldnt even be worth it, and just easier to get an apartment. but the humility that would come from giving up the rat race to be next door neighbors with the Jones' and freedom to cultivate the core essentials of simply loving, serving, showing grace, and watching miracles is pretty amazing.

i have no idea what Jesus has in mind for me, or you for that matter. but i do know that He is faithful to help us have "perspective checks" every now and then. sometimes to make sure we're really following Him if we claim to be.

i love our world. the micro and the macro. its all so fascinating. may we never stop learning and growing.

i dunno... this one's kinda nice... nice shade under the trees... :)

confessions.

today is a beautiful day.

the clouds are larger than life, brimming, thick, and traveling in the way they're being led. the sky is a vibrant blue; the kind that shines even when the sun is hidden and buried deep inside the belly of a cloud.

its hard to think that this very morning, on this glorious endorphin-inspiring day, i drove to class, broken, tear-saturated and aching. the kind that makes you drive slower, lest you hit something or someone, squinting through the blur in your eyes. searching frantically for a tissue- anything- or in this case an old Wendy's napkin, you take a breathe and wipe the vulnerabilty from your face.

its the kind of day where you look to the clouds that remind you of the heavens. the place where your God lives. the place where you believe he talks to you. where you believe he loves you. where you believe that He desires you to lead you and take you on this amazing adventure. where miracles happen. and people who were in the pits of hell and dead are now radiating of love and life. you look into the clouds for hope. for inspiration. for validation.

but looking into the clouds this morning only lead to more heartache. yes, sometimes i look to Jesus and my heart hurts. in a place where i long to find comfort and validation for what my thoughts, desires, ideas, dreams, and life perceptions emulate, today i find denial. and its from that same Jesus that challenged me to dream. to open my heart to the possibilites of how a finite creature coupled with an infinite God could defy all realms of rational thought and theory, supernatural occurances and every form of impossiblility.

today i looked into his eyes and ached with the stubborn heart of a 3 year old who in her raw and honest form cried desperately for what she wanted and emotionally flailed at what she didn't want to do. somewhere along the way, probably in adopting the gospel of wishful thinking, i came to believe and even expect that if i lived my life for this Jesus, who gave his life for mine, i would at worst, maintain this pseudo spiritual feeling that wherever i understood my callling to lead me, there i would find unexpected grace and motivation, even in difficulty, to run the race paved for me. not so today. not so these past few weeks. i realized today that i am no greater than a 3 yr old throwing a temper tantrum before an infinite God who desires to give her the dreams of her heart, but not at the cost of his Divine purpose.

i felt God's chastizement today. as a creature whom i love more than anything else in this world, whom i've come to care for as deeply as a lover, He just simply looked at me. the enormity of the rich blue skies and daunting clouds demanded me to recall who i was. and who i'm not. i was struck with silence today. as a typically outgoing person, especially in such fertile and spiritually pleuralistic grounds as Montco- where shining for Jesus is so stinkin easy, i was drawn within myself. in the presence of my person, my coat, my coffee and the silence of astonishing humility where you know you just need to be quiet and listen. as a father disciplines his child.

and so i was. quiet. out of conviction. out of knowing better than to give my selfish injustices a voice and let them fester and draw deeper into a pit where only feelings like gluttony live. quiet. humbled. challenged. to choose the Divine purpose over mine. challenged to move by will and not emotion. challenged to lead a life where happiness is not a guarentee. where joy is a hope, but not an expectation. to live and move and operate in a frame of mind that completely existed for someOne else and not me.

am i learning obedience? am i learning what it means to follow through on following Jesus when he walks down a different path that exposes how stubborn and controlling i like to be? to admit to hating something and stick with it while he sits and waits. resignation to the Divine purpose. relinquishment to the unknown. sacrificing every deep desire for one sole purpose.


because He's worth it.