a moment to myself

what is it about the late quiet of night and the early morning semi-conscious haze that ushers us into a place of honesty, uncensored thought and raw, often rude, awakenings about ourselves, our minds, and our hearts? in the place of quiet, of dark, of privacy, and safety found in the middle of the shadowed night lives the fertile sod that houses all our thoughts, righteous and wicked; our dreams, sensible and insane; our fears, ungodly and demobilizing; and our expectations, justifiable and erroneous. and when the morning sunlight breaks the calm ambiance and stirs our sensations, we awaken, in a groggy and disoriented state, only to be greeted by the unbridled thoughts, emotions, and physical appearance of our who we were yesterday and who we thought we'd be today. i am a workaholic. i can use the dictionary to define what i am, but i can only truly define the word in the only way i know how to do life.

work–noun

1. exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.
2. something on which exertion or labor is expended; a task or undertaking: The students finished their work in class.
3. productive or operative activity.
4. employment, as in some form of industry, esp. as a means of earning one's livelihood: to look for work.
5. one's place of employment: Don't phone him at work.
6. materials, things, etc., on which one is working or is to work.
7. the result of exertion, labor, or activity; a deed or performance.
8. a product of exertion, labor, or activity: musical works.

it continues to definition #54, @ dictionary.com

—Synonyms 1. Work, drudgery, labor, toil refer to exertion of body or mind in performing or accomplishing something. Work is the general word and may apply to exertion that is either easy or hard: fun work; heavy work. Drudgery suggests continuous, dreary, and dispiriting work, esp. of a menial or servile kind: the drudgery of household tasks. Labor particularly denotes hard manual work: labor on a farm, in a steel mill. Toil suggests wearying or exhausting labor: toil that breaks down the worker's health. 2. enterprise, project, job, responsibility. 3. industry, occupation, business. 4. job, trade, calling, vocation, profession. 7. product, achievement, feat. 16. toil, drudge. 28. operate, manipulate, handle. 29. accomplish, effect, produce, achieve. 34. finish, form, shape. 37. move.
—Antonyms 1. play, rest.

-work·a·hol·ic- a person who works compulsively at the expense of other pursuits.
[Origin: 1965–70; work + -aholic] work·a·hol·ic

-work·a·hol·ic- n. One who has a compulsive and unrelenting need to work. work'a·hol'ism

pardon my partial nerdism, but i've come to realize that when dismaddening clarity finds its way into my life, the fog of subjectivity is lifted, truth is defined, no matter who ugly and undeniable it is, and i can begin to find rest for my soul. i faced all these sensations this morning when i awoke to a day full of possibilities, empty of any responsibilities, in beautifully peaked health, surrounded by five warm living breathing souls that utterly love me, and fought for a time to be reminded of something that brought me joy, utter joy. ashamed that i could be totally blessed around me, yet not find joy in anything, i began this entry in search of answers.

unfortunately and fortunately, i've discovered nothing new. only my exhortation, divine exhortation, to live in the antonym... to play and rest. i struggle to do that here. i tasted this in ireland, and long in my heart to return to taste it again.

my time in spain was bittersweet. my time in ireland was nothing but sweet.

i long to learn from all three of these cultures: spain, ireland, and america... but even bigger, i long to find the kingdom of heaven in all of these cultures. that is the only place where i truly belong, truly rest, and truly live the way i dream and was intended to...

a few pics of the beautiful people of the green isle...

mark, me and laura toastin ta wine and a pint!

sam, sean, abbi, benji, robin, john, ger, rach, and meri :)

the emerald isle :)