confessions.

today is a beautiful day.

the clouds are larger than life, brimming, thick, and traveling in the way they're being led. the sky is a vibrant blue; the kind that shines even when the sun is hidden and buried deep inside the belly of a cloud.

its hard to think that this very morning, on this glorious endorphin-inspiring day, i drove to class, broken, tear-saturated and aching. the kind that makes you drive slower, lest you hit something or someone, squinting through the blur in your eyes. searching frantically for a tissue- anything- or in this case an old Wendy's napkin, you take a breathe and wipe the vulnerabilty from your face.

its the kind of day where you look to the clouds that remind you of the heavens. the place where your God lives. the place where you believe he talks to you. where you believe he loves you. where you believe that He desires you to lead you and take you on this amazing adventure. where miracles happen. and people who were in the pits of hell and dead are now radiating of love and life. you look into the clouds for hope. for inspiration. for validation.

but looking into the clouds this morning only lead to more heartache. yes, sometimes i look to Jesus and my heart hurts. in a place where i long to find comfort and validation for what my thoughts, desires, ideas, dreams, and life perceptions emulate, today i find denial. and its from that same Jesus that challenged me to dream. to open my heart to the possibilites of how a finite creature coupled with an infinite God could defy all realms of rational thought and theory, supernatural occurances and every form of impossiblility.

today i looked into his eyes and ached with the stubborn heart of a 3 year old who in her raw and honest form cried desperately for what she wanted and emotionally flailed at what she didn't want to do. somewhere along the way, probably in adopting the gospel of wishful thinking, i came to believe and even expect that if i lived my life for this Jesus, who gave his life for mine, i would at worst, maintain this pseudo spiritual feeling that wherever i understood my callling to lead me, there i would find unexpected grace and motivation, even in difficulty, to run the race paved for me. not so today. not so these past few weeks. i realized today that i am no greater than a 3 yr old throwing a temper tantrum before an infinite God who desires to give her the dreams of her heart, but not at the cost of his Divine purpose.

i felt God's chastizement today. as a creature whom i love more than anything else in this world, whom i've come to care for as deeply as a lover, He just simply looked at me. the enormity of the rich blue skies and daunting clouds demanded me to recall who i was. and who i'm not. i was struck with silence today. as a typically outgoing person, especially in such fertile and spiritually pleuralistic grounds as Montco- where shining for Jesus is so stinkin easy, i was drawn within myself. in the presence of my person, my coat, my coffee and the silence of astonishing humility where you know you just need to be quiet and listen. as a father disciplines his child.

and so i was. quiet. out of conviction. out of knowing better than to give my selfish injustices a voice and let them fester and draw deeper into a pit where only feelings like gluttony live. quiet. humbled. challenged. to choose the Divine purpose over mine. challenged to move by will and not emotion. challenged to lead a life where happiness is not a guarentee. where joy is a hope, but not an expectation. to live and move and operate in a frame of mind that completely existed for someOne else and not me.

am i learning obedience? am i learning what it means to follow through on following Jesus when he walks down a different path that exposes how stubborn and controlling i like to be? to admit to hating something and stick with it while he sits and waits. resignation to the Divine purpose. relinquishment to the unknown. sacrificing every deep desire for one sole purpose.


because He's worth it.