an unveiling, entry 1

so as im tempted to begin at the very beginning of my life, perhaps i'll throw a wrench in the expected predictablities. Right now, i am single. i have always been single, except for a stint in 9th grade that lasted for a whole month and a half with 11th grade chris o'brien. sweet guy, but short lived. i can honestly say that i've counted the number of dates that i've been on with both of my hands. i've never had sex. never made out with a guy. and never even really kissed a guy. (other than a hit-and-run that lasted for .3 secs on news years eve that covered about half of my mouth between two very awkward teenagers.) i've never really understood guys. i always got along better with girls. girls were easier to understand. boys just arent. for my perpetual analyzing mind, much to my dismay at times, i could never just "not think" like guys do. (sorry guys :) so it comes as no surprise that i never really dated or the like. oh, i had crushes. loads of them! who doesnt? that cute boy that all the girls like. that rebel guy that you know is so bad for you but he's just... yummy :) but unfortunately, it never seemed to work out, and in the 9th grade i made an ambitious goal to wait for my future husband, believing that God would send the right boy to me at the right time.

some things have changed dramatically in the past ten years... hairstyles, weight, even thoughts on love. but one thing hasnt. i'm still currently waiting for the guy that i know my loving God has for me. some people wonder how i can put so much trust on something i cant see, touch, talk to, or that would deprive me of such "immense pleasure." but i can. because i can see Him, touch Him, talk to Him, and live in His realm of pleasure and not regret. he's never disappointed me, unlike most people that i know. so, im sticking with Him.

i will say that its been an extremely difficult road to walk on. probably the greatest thing that ive struggled with all my life. whether influenced by this american culture or not, i've wanted to be married since i was 18. im 25 now and i regret nothing. would change nothing. and dont expect to be married anytime soon. and im ok with that. today at least. and thats all im given. there have been moments when the ache has hurt like hell (pardon the french). and moments where i could have given in and up to certain guys. moments when i wanted to, so badly, but grit my teeth and chose out of my will to say no... to stay faithful to Him and to my future him.

many girls say they respect me. they couldnt do it. they dont know how i do it. but i've only been able to do it with the help of Him. He's helped to keep me faithful. no matter how many times i came close to screwing up physically, and did screw up emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He still loved me. still loves me. and wont give up.

thats how i do it. so through all the crushes and heartache, all the glories of being free, i sit here at 25, single, and loving it? sure. today at least.