ok, ok, i get it.

at the loving chastizement of dear friends, and the pitiful sighs from visiting this blog personally, i feel like it is time to open the lines of thought and words again. i thank these wonderful people very much for the love and encouragement of knowing that what i share matters- i hope they all know how much they matter to me. :)

i am thankful for the current mindfulness to blog, b/c i am in a moment of rest, of pause, between two hard semsesters in a nursing program. i'm proud of what i've accomplished and teeter-totter between an anxiousness and eagerness of this next semester. this summer was very difficult for a number of reasons. many of you know too well the difficulty in going to school full-time in the summer when the rest of the world, including your family and friends seem to be going on vacations, having fun, and not worrying about things like harming a fragile patient or trying to comprehend a new, foreign (medical) language. i've said that at times i feel like charlie when he enters the chocolate factory- completely overwhelmed by this new world he's in and trying to find his barings in it.

i can hardly believe that its september soon and that the year is 3/4 of the way finished. one of the highlights of this summer includes my amazing birthday. this consisted of skydiving for the first time, amazing japanese cuisine, girlie movie-ness, and spending a carefree (and apparently only day this summer) at the beach. here's some pics to enjoy.

hooray! :)

open handed

everyday we're asked to trust. trust in both things seen and unseen. the chair you sit in. the teller at the bank. the mechanic who fixed your car. or even the very God who holds your heartbeat in His hand. so often we find ourselves feeling violated in our trust, by others, ourselves or even God. and after being hurt by any of the previously listed, we have a choice to make. to keep on worrying and stressing over things we can barely control, or... to not. and give it up. trust. again.

i'm thankful today for friends who have beautiful gifts and abilities that speak to my soul. thanks, dan.

"Take my eyes take my mind it is of use to me no more

cause all I see and i find has left me somewhat less than sure.

And everyday it is the same, as I sit here and complain,

Runaway is all I ever do whenever I'm afraid;

Cannot deal with the consequences of decisions I have made.

I no longer want my choice, close my mouth and be my voice,

And sing for me, cause I've got nothing left to say.

I have found myself and I need somebody Else,

So take my eyes, take my mind it is of use to me no more.

Cause You are sight, and I am blind without You, weak and insecure

my mind's not easily renewed, so I guess it's up to You."

Up to You by Dan Harney

in bloom

i think its funny sometimes how such simple things can bring people so much joy. for some, it can be a cup of coffee someone bought them and brought to work, or that song on the radio that you've been dying to hear but they never play.

for me, i actually find so much joy in the guest appearance of a certain plant around this time of year. i've always had an appreciation for the vast population of the O2 friendly bunch, but no plant has ever brought me joy the way that the dogwood tree has every year. i dont believe i've ever shared this with anyone, i think i truly realized it last year. they just make me so happy. in a way no plant ever has. ha :) pardon my childlike wonder at this discovery, but i've found it so hard to find real joy in the past few years. i'm thankful the gift of beautiful dogwoods to delight my soul!

enjoy!

eat, drink, and... rock out?!

so i know i like to tread in deep waters. (verbally, that is, i can't physically :P) but today i thought it'd be nice to leave the deep pools and splash in the kiddie section. that's where new and old friends, rock band, mmr, and a whole lotta musica come into the pic.

last night was a mix of rockin out at home and rockin out on the dance floor at the notorious Montana West. its the closest thing we have to a club in these parts and i hear so many stories from bikers and boozers to tearin up the dance floor and family line dances. nonetheless, i had the joy of hangin out with new friends and my faithful few while beltin out to the Killers in the comfort of my own home, and then hangin out with my love, my sis, and tryin to moonwalk across the floor which felt like a mix of gritty sandpaper and laffy taffy. ha!

here's some pics. i love these guys!

ens and kyle rockin out

brooke and esther up to no good ;)

new friends liz and amanda sharin more than a feeling...

kyle's first super sweet pimpin outfit :)

los tres = 1.5 asians

group hug

i have no idea...

ens and aarika

"when i was young, i totally wanted to be race jockey..."

the enses cuttin it up on the d. floor

good times. :)

the green eyed... God?

I awoke this morning pondering thoughts on jealousy. Due to some recent events in my life, I have to confess that I've had to face the green-eyed creature more times than I'd anticipated. I've never struggled with jealousy before and am learning the value of honest, open, and persistent communication. But this got me thinking about the bugger, and if it can be both a good thing and/or a bad thing.

Jealousy is typically defined as a "jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself."

According to Wikipedia (the end-all and know-all :) ), it comes from the French word jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin zelosus (full of zeal), and from the Greek word for "ardour, zeal". It also states that jealousy is difficult to define and is best described through circumstances which cause a concoction of complex emotions. Among these, two similar traits are found, apparently: possessiveness and fear of loss. (It's actually a quite interesting read.)

Even Solomon, whom knew all about jealousy in his harems, said that "A tranquil heart is the life of the flesh; but envy is the rotteness of the bones" and "Jealousy is cruel as the grave"

(Prov. 14:30 & SoS 8:6)

Herbert Lockyer said "it can transform a noble into a monster, and is no respector of persons. Yet this is the word God takes to Himself as a name - Jehovah, whose name is Jealous." (Ex 34:14) This particuliar name/title is used at least 6 or 7 other times in the Bible. So what does it mean? What's the difference?

Accordin to H. Lockyer, it does not bear the evil meaning, but rather, a righteous "zeal", Jehovah's zeal for His own name or glory. It lives in truth, purity, justice, righteousness, and holiness. It would make sense for God to be zealous of such a thing "lest the darkness should invade His light, or dim the glory and joy of His children." God is not insecure or fearful.

Rather, "His name is Jealous, because He is concerned for His redeemed people lest they forfeit glory and peace through forsaking Him." He's jealous for the sake of the ones He loves; that they would miss out on something amazing.

I believe that kind of jealousy is good and healthy. Based in extravagent love for another or oneself, and purified by God's righteousness.

Wisdom is key. Confession, repentence, and forgivenss is key.

May we look more like Him each day.

starve the dog

Now before all you dog lovers out there are ready to lynch me, hear me out...

I took a trip to Va to visit Lou and Tab a couple of weeks ago (mentioned in an earlier post). While I was gone, Jesus and I had some sweet talks about life. Amidst all our put togetherness we emulate in our society, there always drifts a current beneath the surface in each one of us. It's the darker less glamourous side of us that we'd rather not admit exists, and yet the irony is that we're all so common in our struggles that we might actually surprise each other.

While I'm aware that my own parents might be reading this blog, I'm still going to venture out and talk about lust. It's something that we all struggle with, whether it be sexual, pining after things or possessions, or wanting something or someone you are not intended to have. It has ruined many men, women, nations, relationships, lives, and the like. And yet, we still have a love/hate relationship with the thing and let it seed deeply into our selves and our lives.

I was recently awakened to the conviction that the germation of this lustful seed will actually be prohibitory and stunting in my ability to truly enjoy a healthy relationship with a boy of my liking and choosing. Instead of living in joy, freedom, and peace simply being with him, I would find myself enduring an internal spiritual battle of flesh-vs-spirit.

Paul, in Galatians 6: 16-17 talks about it like this...

"So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions."

Six summers ago I had to priviledge of leading two large groups of teens to Mexico for a week each. Both amazing, life changing trips for them and me; I'll never forget what my friend Kevin shared one evening atop a hill in Monterrey, Mexico. He said that these two parts of you fighting are like two dogs being trained for a dog fight. Whichever one you feed, you nuture, you train, you attend to, that's the dog that's gonna win. If you ignore, neglect, and starve one of the dogs, for certain, that one will lose. Miserably. Am I feeding the dog of my Spirit or the dog of my flesh?

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." vs 24

I need to starve the dog of my flesh.

Why? Because "anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. And the Spirit will not guide your lives." vs 16 & 21

it's about time!

So what do you get after going to to 3 years of community college while working and trying to figure out what to do with your life?? well... a transcript with a butt load of classes!

Luckily for me, those classes landed me a spot in Montgomery County CC's Nursing Program, one of the top nursing schools in the area. Very competitive. Very challenging. Very exciting.

A while ago I mentioned that Nursing was in fact my plan B, that my heart beats truly for ministry, loving people, and the arts. I can honestly say that this fact still rings true in my heart, but that God in His grace gives us the love and desires for the things he originally fit us for and calls us to do. Therefore, I'm pretty stoked to be a nurse!

I was giddy at orientation last Friday, and as long as my criminal record and drug check come out clear (cross the fingers!!!), I should be flyin in clear skies.

So cheers to scrubs, hemostats, stethoscopes, meds, patients, hospitals, labs, needles!, and a chance to make a difference in this world!